Published 12 minutes ago
TORONTO - The Toronto Tyrants revealed their MLC jersey at a solemn ceremony at the Air Canada Center on Friday. A rare public appearance by Shania Twain stunned the audience as the country Goddess took the stage to kick things off with the Canadian national anthem. Rogers Communications President and CEO Nadir Mohamed and Air Canada main man Calin Rovinescu then arrived to mount their respective thrones, as an enlarged model of the Tyrants' jersey was seen rising in the background to a tune that was best described by someone in the audience as "destructive and very military".
The two men, clad in sports coats with the MLC and Tyrants' logos etched into them, then took turns to speak about the franchise, its prospects and their expectations for season one.
"As always, the goal is to trump all competition and be the ones that we ourselves want to beat. It is the legacy of the Rogers and it is how Rogers Communication has maintained its status as the number one choice for its customers over decades. Telus has tried, Wind has tried, Koodo has tried, but as a business, we have always managed to kill competitors with the flick of a finger, as if they were mere ants, irrelevant and undeserving of life. I would like to have the same attitude on display for the duration of the season, because being at the top is all that matters", exclaimed a haughty Mohamed.
"Air Canada is proud to be the official sponsor of the Toronto Tyrants. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Rogers Communications for giving us an opportunity to establish our superiority over American corporations in yet another domain - that of sports. We have crushed US Airways, AA, Delta and South West and intend to continue our domination in every aspect of business", said Mr. Calin Rovinescu.
Curious eyes then turned to a lesser known figure, that of AsifTheManRahman, recently appointed manager of the Tyrants. Beads of iron across his neck and an iron ring on his pinky, he approached the podium with an air of destruction. "When Kerry Packer lured players into joining the World Series, the world had disbelievers galore. The rebels were the minority and acts of bravery ridiculed. Today, the world is a transformed place, where there is a huge movement towards eradicating sissies and ensuring survival of the fittest. Men like Dilscoop have set the platform and it is now up to us to implement [the plans]".
"Our opponents will be crushed to sawdust, brought down to their knees on the cricket pitch, begging for mercy, blood shooting out of their eyes in place of tears. We shall destroy confidences and careers. We shall stamp our authority on every member - manager, official and player - of every other team, ruling the points table of this league with an iron fist. We shall decide and control the fates of grown men with our batting, bowling, fielding and wicket-keeping. We shall ensure that they expect to lose, that they come to the ground knowing they have no chance".
The general attitude of the franchise meets expectations set earlier by rumours about the Tyrants starting the inaugural season of the MLC with an aggressive campaign. With further adieu, the officials left, one by one, to attend a boardroom meeting to discuss "World domination strategy", as a spokesman put it, at the Rogers HQ on Bloor and Jarvis.
Torontonians' React to Tyrants' Jersey
The streets of downtown Toronto seemed upbeat on Friday afternoon, thanks partly due to the upcoming Simcoe Day long weekend, but mostly in anticipation of the impending MLC victory.
"God save the Queen, the Queen the Queen and Her Tyrants...[and some more that got lost in drivel]", sang a local mounty before he rode off on his horse, clearly intoxicated from the bottle of maple syrup in his pocket.
"Yo man, the jersey looks so-effing-lid. Totally digging it, ya'll, Tyrants FTW man!", was the reaction of Sherbourne-Shuter crackhead Thomasz Hiedelberg.
"L.O.V.E the jersey, but they should have had a vampire and a werewolf instead of a dinosaur on it", said 16 year old Natasha Goyal.
Robin Scherbatsky, a New York resident visiting family in Toronto for the long weekend, was upbeat about the chances of the Tyrants in season one. "I think we will definitely win and having a cool jersey simply propels us towards that direction", she said, before running off in the direction of Dundas Square, humming "Let's go to the mall, TODAY", followed by "Two beavers are better than one".